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Jun 3, 2018

You haven’t experienced ASMR until you’ve had Funky Kong console you about your messy divorce

Sometimes, the world can feel like a relentless nightmare, designed by someone with all your pain points in mind. Being online, whether you have to be or just want to stay in the loop, can make all that worse — your therapist would probably tell you to close this tab and go outside. While that’s generally good advice, all due respect to your therapist, but she hasn’t seen these ASMR role-play videos in which a velvet-voiced Funky Kong soothes your world-weary heart with some gentle understanding and encouragement.

Going through a breakup? Funky Kong has some words of wisdom for you from “his people” (which may or may not just be recaps of various narrative arcs from Donkey Kong games). Love not your bag? Funky Kong knows everything is...

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